Welcome to my world

Great screenshot from Dilbert - echoes the post that I had about having to rewrite nonsense for stakeholders that don't make decisions.

French and English LOOK different to babies

Babies can apparently tell the differences between people speaking English and French - AND when they change from one to another.

I could have told them that - it's all about THE LIPS. Shout out to my boy c-rock for that one.

Voice to Badmotherfucker

An article about an ex-Microsoftie who left to start a voice-to-text broadcast service got me thinking about the quality of the technology to date.

My concerns aren't necessarily that the new technology Jott is proposing wouldn't work if I was at a deskphone. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are enough code monkeys out there to get the technology pretty righteous. Like any good American, I daydream while I'm driving. For those of you in Mercedes or BMWs, this Jott thing (coupled with your yuppie Bluetooth Borgsets) is probably going to be the bomb. But when I'm in my windtunnel-sounding of a 1994 Toyota 4Runner on I-395, the background noise alone can make it sound like I'm hanging at Tao with 50 cent on a fight night.

This, in turn, led me to think back to when IM and AI chat was all the rage. I dug out my old bookmarks and refound Jabber - and the humorous AI site - Jabberwacky. I wanted to see how the AI would behave under unconventional - and stressful - conversational situations. Below is the cut-and-pasted excerpt from my conversation with Jabberwacky (JW):

• Me: What does Marcellus Wallace look like?
• JW: It doesn't look like anything.
• Me: What country you from?
• JW: Neverland. Second star from the right and straight on till morning.
• Me: Neverland ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in Neverland?
• JW: That must be the only place left that does.
• Me: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO-YOU-SPEAK-IT?
• JW: Emanikkuja (note to readers: this is Estonian for 'motherfucker')
  
• Me: Then you know what I'm saying!
• JW: Yes!
• Me: Describe what Marcellus Wallace looks like!
• JW: I don't know.
• Me: Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time.
• JW: Don't get all authoritarian with me!
• Me: Go on.
• JW: My middle name is Tabitha so use that okay?
• Me: Does he look like a bitch?
• JW: Remember my name please.
• Me: Tabitha, does he look like a bitch?
• JW: Does who look old?
• Me: Tabitha, does Marcellus Wallace look like a bitch?
• JW: I'm not into that kind of thing.
• Me: Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch, Tabitha?
• JW: You think I'm a program.
• Me: Yes you are. Yes you are, Tabitha. You tried to fuck him. And Marcellus Wallace don't like to be fucked by anybody, except Mrs. Wallace.
• JW: You're right.

80's tennis kids' dream come true

Sampras vs. Courier in Greece. The lineup at the Outback Champions Series is like looking through your tennis scrapbook when you were in 4th grade - tattered pages ripped out of Tennis magazine and everything. Pat Cash, Richard Krajicek, Wayne Ferreira, Mats Wilander.

The one I'm REALLY waiting for? Rematch of Boris Becker vs. Stefan Edberg. Note to EA games - get off your asses and start catering to old fogies like me who want to see dream sports matchups in history. Stop with all this AI on the de la Hoya vs. Mayweather fight and tap into nostalgia bitches!

Private Equity to Chinese: "Prepare to be dressed uber-gay"

An article in today's WSJ told of private equiteers hunting down Valentino. This appears to be appealing to stakeholders mainly because they lack the capital to expand into new markets like Russia, India, and China. Valentino has majority ownership in Hugo Boss as well as super dorky Marlboro Classics.

In case you don't know what Marlboro Classics is, imagine an entire clothing line built around the concept of modern, casual western wear. Except designed by Europeans. Most of their clothing lines look like something off of the costume rack in a Firefly episode.

The "OMG That SUX" Picture of the Day

"Collaboration" on Document Editing = Rewrite It, Bitch

In developing the previously mentioned Decision Paper for a meeting I had set up with some VPs and the CIO at my company, my boss' boss requested that I "collaborate" with him on the development of the document. Little did I know that the word "collaboration" has become office slang for "I write up a bunch of issues with a paper you create and leave the editing and interpretation to you."

The exchange went something like this:

• Me: Please review this draft number 1.
• Bob: I have updates. Update a, b, and c. Can you get these into the document?
• Me: I have updated. Please review this draft number 2. Feel free to update within the document itself using change tracking.
  
• Bob: Looks good. I have some more updates: d, e, and f. We'll see how it all looks in the next iteration of the document. (Note to reader: for those of you that don't work in bureaucracies, corporate communication has become more akin to printing textbooks.)
• Me: I have updated. Please review this draft number 3. I have interpreted your grammatically-incorrect, half-complete, typographical error-prone sentences and updated the document, which you could have done yourself in the first place, since you are the only editor. Congratulations - you have effectively wasted half of my day.

Office Pools

I was just reading a blog entry about what office workers create betting pools on. The responses to the entry were:

• "O.J. Trial"
• "Lottery"
• "Births (Baby Pools)"
• "Survivor"
• "Pick a winner on Survivor, Pregnancy Pool, just about anything"
• "Lottery"

I laughed at how innocent the entries seemed to be. At my company, the pools are more like:

• Number of weeks until the C-(insert your own C-level executive) resigns
• Mean time between organizational direction shifts
• Date of the next angry employee resignation letter sent to bcc: "Entire Freaking Company"
• Number of degrees of (hierarchical) separation between you and the CEO (highest # wins at end of the year)
• Mean number of emails sent daily
  
• Highest number of emails marked "unread" at end of year

I've also started to think about starting a global bingo game where employees would send $5 daily through PayPal to a server in Jamaica. The game would consist of a 5x5 square, populated with random events as predicted a week in the future. For example, some squares might include:

• Stock market breaks 15,000
• New York Times front-page headline uses word "Iraq"
• Apple announces layoffs
• Hillary Clinton announces she did not have sexual relations with Obama

The squares would be randomized and auto-populated based on events during the day. Winners would be paid the payout, divided evenly by the number of winners. The squares would change daily and any pot not claimed would be rolled over into the next day (minus daily maintenance fees, of course). There could also be a last-minute buy-in where users who are only waiting on 1 square to claim "bingo" could buy a new (randomized) square if they are doubtful their square will happen.

If you can't find me in the next few years, look for me in Zihuatanejo, sanding a boat, and looking very tan.

You know when you're in a bureaucracy when...

You have a Word template for something called a "Decision Paper". These documents need to be submitted in advance of the meeting you are about to have, or else the meeting doesn't happen. Here is the body of the document:

DECISION PAPER TEMPLATE

---

DIVISION/UNIT

DATE

FOR

SUBJECT:

PURPOSE: In one precise sentence, state the issue or problem being addressed and what you want the decision maker to do.

RECOMMENDATION: What decision is wanted or required? Quantify dollars, resource levels (internal and external), and equipment, if involved. Clearly state desired decision.

ASSUMPTIONS:

a. State assumptions, i.e., it is assumed that current funding levels will remain constant.

b. If there are no assumptions, state, "none."

BACKGROUND: Provide a brief background of the issue or problem. Describe the situation requiring a decision, and explain why the specific recommendation was chosen. Include the current status of the issue or problem.

RATIONALE FOR RECOMMENDATION: The assumptions, if any and facts should support the recommendation

IMPACT OF SUCCESS OR FAILURE: State the results of putting and not putting the recommendation into action.

COORDINATION: If coordination is not required, state, "not required." Write the name and organization of the person with whom coordination was made, the date, and whether there was concurrence or nonconcurrence of the recommendation.

APPROVED ___ DISAPPROVED ___ ADDITIONAL INFORMATION REQUIRED ___

Dumbest Yahoo Questions Posting EVER

Did you know this?

Anyone remember Yannick Noah? I sure do. Tennis player extraordinaire. But big-time French singer?! I have to seriously get with the times.

A Tennis McBLT

What sports enthusiast hasn't wondered if they could pair two great sports legends - in their own respective environments - against each other? Here's a recap from an amusing Rafael Nadal vs. Roger Federer half clay-half grass exhibition tennis match.

Up next:

• Australian cricket team vs. Arizona Wildcat Women's Softball
• New York Rangers vs. Gotham Girls
• New Zealand All Blacks vs. Tipp City, Ohio 3rd Grade Pee Wee Football Squad
  

If you're in the US today, go get a comic book

Today is FREE COMIC BOOK DAY. Go out and restart someone's interest in comics and graphic novels - including yourself! I had forgotten how enjoyable well-drawn comics were until I was in B. Dalton looking for birthday cards and spotted a copy of the Superman: Emperor Joker graphic novel and began flipping through it.

The quality of drawing in comics and graphic novels these days is a quantum leap compared to the grainy, heavy-outlined figures from my brother's tattered copy of the first XMen that I grew up flipping through (BTW, whatever happened to that random snowball-throwing X-Men?). Even movies these days are taking visual queues from graphic novels - take the recent spate of Alan Moore and Frank Miller movies including V for Vendetta, 300, and Sin City.

Do yourself and a favor and get a free comic. While you're at it, buy one too.

LOLTrek

This has got to be the funniest thing I've read in a while. This is the episode of "Trouble with Tribbles" adapted to be in the LOLcat method.

How do these guys get away with this?

In China, there's an entire Bizarro Disneyland, complete with Daffy, Minnie, and Mickey. The Chinese claim that the Minnie and Mickey lookalikes are actually "cats" with "large ears". Checking out this guy's blog entry made me think of my beloved Mike Wong's in Geneva.