Big DUB

The Geneva International Auto Show was awesome. It’s really the CES for cars. Although I know crap about cars, it’s nice to be surrounded with all that gleaming metal and be constantly reminded of our dependence on oil. The Swiss really know how to throw a party – an eight minute bus ride to the expo center and a CHF 14 entry fee for an all day pass; can’t complain. I can complain, however, about the “mozzarella and tomato” sandwich that was sold to me that consisted of 5/8ths of a jar of mayonnaise, hidden with a leaf of lettuce. Where were the cheese and tomato you ask? Apparently, the small amounts of true ingredients were strategically placed in the visible parts of the sandwich bag. Zoot.

The square footage footprint was probably a little smaller than CES overall, but a very impressive layout overall. There was a huge difference between the auto sections of CES and the Geneva Auto Show, however. There was MUCH less gratuitous T&A. In this case, most of the T&A was presented in a respectable, naughty librarian-esque fashion. The champagne rooms were respectfully located just beyond the food court.

Since I’ve already admitted the fact that I don’t know much about cars, don’t assume that any of the specs below are the result of my investigative work grilling the well-dressed help. They are, in fact, stolen mainly from the program. My reviews are going to be broken down into simple groupings and are completely subjective: coolest cars (including prototypes), gayest cars, coolest booths, and best booth babes. Check out the new Flickr badge under the links - I've already met my allocation for uploads this month with the pics from the auto show, but will post more as I have space available.

Cars:

1. BMW 650i: Bad ass convertible. Heads up display, night vision.
2. BMW Z4 M Coupe: Unveiled during the show, this is a two-seater, 3.2 liter, straight six cylinder engine that generates 343 bhp.
3. Saab Aero X prototype: 400 bhp, ethanol fueled, six cylinder.
4. Ferrari 599 GTB: 620 bhp, 5999 cc engine, v12.
5. Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder: v10, 520 bhp, permanent 4 wheel drive, 1-100 km in 4.3 sec, top speed of 314 km / hr.
   
   Notable Mention: Opel GT: 260 bhp, 1-100 km/ hr in less than 6 sec. I think this looks suspiciously like the new Pontiac Solstice that was on The Apprentice.

Gayest Cars:

1. Toyota I-Swing: Looks like a cross between Timmy’s wheelchair and a Segway. This one requires no witty comment. The guy in the pic over in the Flickr badge seems to say, “You and I both know that Stephen Hawking has a better whip than this.”
2. Nissan PIVO: The advantage to being inside this 2001 A Space Odyssey-like cabin? It pivots 360 degrees, so you can park in a space nose-in, rotate the cabin 180 degrees to leave, and drive straight out. Imagine driving this thing in a Wisconsin ice storm, having the mechanism stick at something like a 90 degree angle, and waiting while Nissan ships the mechanic out from Tokyo.
3. Toyota Aveo: Through some sort of sinister form of kaizen, the Japanese have finally figured out a way to maximize death potential by removing major parts of the car, like the doors, ceiling, and rear. With these cars, Nissan and Toyota seem to be betting on global warming.
   
   Notable mentions: Toyota Hybrid with Intelligent Parking Assistant. Okay, so I understand the product demographic – people who suck at parallel parking and 98% of the state of Florida. But I would like to see this thing beta tested in San Francisco or maybe Cairo. On their test demo, the car actually parked on TOP of the white line. It’s like Fruit of the Loom investing in an auto-aim functionality in their tightie whitie product line. The Mini Cooper that was outfitted like it was ready for the Dakar Rally got gay points for being a Mini, but alas, it looked kinda cool.

Booths:

1. Opel. This joint had 3 waterfalls and video projection. Can’t outdo that.
2. Audi. Glass, steel, and awesome lighting.
3. Lamborghini. Maybe it was spillover from the Audi booth or its proximity to Bentley and Ferrari, but when you add +10 million hit points for the booth babes, you can’t kill this thing, even with a +10 Slick Italian Salesman Orc Sword.

Booth Babes: A Lesson in Sexual Alliteration

1. Ladies of Lamborghini: Elegant Eveningwear Eves. These ladies were DECKED OUT.
2. Babes of BMW: Lovely Librarians. “I lost my library card in the champagne room. Can you help?”
3. Mistresses of Mini Cooper: Showroom’s Sporty Spices. Looks like they came out of an Urban Outfitters. Very brit, very hip, and very haaaaaayyyyaaaaahhhhtttt.
   
   Effort Award: Femmes of Fiat. They have apparently color-coordinated areas on the uniform that, if touched, will result in a lawsuit.

Soundtrack of the day:

• Mas Que Nada, Sergio Mendes, featuring The Black Eyed Peas, Timeless
• That Was A Crazy Game of Poker, O.A.R., 34th & 8th
• Open Up, Dispatch, Gut the Van vol. 1
• Walk Away, Ben Harper, Welcome to the Cruel World
• Superstar Punani, Sublime, Second-Hand Smoke